Stannardisms are quotes from the philosophical lectures of a teacher at a local community college. Unintentionally and dryly humorous, they were collected by myself and a friend over the course of two years. Some of them have appeared on this blog before, but they appear here now in their entirety.
(NB: the ellipses do not denote an extraction of orignal words, but a lengthy, thoughtful pause)
"Oh, so your brother in law rapes your sister, and now you kill your brother in law with a meat tenderizer... now... that's not going to do your sister a whole lot of good. I mean, the cops are on your tail for the rest of your life."
"What is a spiritual experience? I mean... for some people, it might be just sitting down in front of their big screen TV by themselves with a... a big bowl of popcorn"
"Here is what you shouldn't do if you are driving home drunk from the Tachi Palace... and Casino on a Tuesday night... "
"You know... and this is a bit of a confession, but if there weren't any laws, I'd just save up a bunch of money and go do hard drugs for the rest of my life."
"I don't have to respect my father because he smoked cigarettes around me when I was five years old."
"Your peace of mind should not depend on the conduct of your slave-boy."
"I'm required to take attendance, you're required to be here... whatever that means."
"If you're sitting here and... let's say this is the latest Paris Hilton novel [mimes reading] well, that just makes me depressed."
"The Metro is a bar, okay? Who cares. It's not the subway."
"If my porridge was gone, I wouldn't assume that I'd eaten it. I'd assume that I'd been sleepwalking and dumped it."
"They [the police] would be hiding behind a bush because the police chief doesn't have a college education."
"If a wolf was in here trying to sing a Beatles song, well, this is how I'd feel about it."
[in responding to a student:]
"I mean, you could argue that all penguins are dumb. If you're 10 years old that's the kind of stuff you argue about."
"Lindsay Lohan… she's still alive."
"I have a really stinky neighbour, and I don't like him."
"So my neighbour's house catches on fire…"
[chuckles to himself about Timothy Leary]
"So… there's some guy up in North Fork who owns a telephone company and he's like eighty, and he says he can't go to court, you know, because apparently he's been having sex with a 13 year old and he has a bad heart…"
[on Aristophanes' "The Clouds"]
"… and with their butts, you know, they're studying the stars. It's very funny."
"If someone [from this class] went and did a murder, I hope they wouldn't come for me."
"Well, I feel like harming you, so I'm going to do it."